Out of Body
by Veszelyite
Summary: Set during the events of volume 7 of the Saiyuki Reload manga. Rather dark. The title says the rest.


**Out-of-Body**

A Saiyuki Reload fic

by Veszelyite

A/N: Just so you can't say I didn't warn you...this fic contains MAJOR SPOILERS for the Saiyuki Reload manga (i.e. it touches on a whole bunch of stuff that never happened in the Saiyuki Gunlock anime). In addition to the major stuff that takes up most of volume seven, it also contains references to tidbits from some of volume 6, and to the events just before the Kami-sama arc (manga and anime). If you don't know what I'm talking about for any of these things, and don't want to know, then best close this browser window with all due haste.

If you already know, or don't know but don't mind being spoilered, then by all means, please read on.

This fic also contains lots of speculation on the topic of near-death experiences, based on a few canon tidbits and some additional research. The situation as written here is purely hypothetical, and no insult to anyone's personal views on this subject is intended.

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DISCLAIMER: Neither the characters nor the settings of Saiyuki belong to me. I only wish they did. Quotes from lines used directly from the manga are from Ranith's translations (thank you!).

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Hakkai had read somewhere that seven out of ten people struck by lightning lived through the experience.

It hadn't seemed like bad odds, really. That translated to a 70 percent chance of survival. By comparison the odds of surviving a direct attack from the _Seiten Taisei_ were certainly much worse. If Hakkai had to assign a number to the latter, based on _Seiten Taisei's_ ruthless efficiency at killing, it was maybe one in a thousand? One in ten thousand? He hadn't spent too long in thinking about it. Conjecture on the topic was academic, and of no help in a situation where Hakkai had already soundly beaten the odds (whatever they were) by enduring nearly ten of those hits.

Hakkai had also known that he wasn't likely to live through attack number eleven.

Seventy percent chance of survival actually had a rather nice ring to it by that point. To someone already badly injured, with _ki_ reserves drained, and stamina and strength fading fast, it sounded downright inviting. So maybe that was why, as soon as it occurred to Hakkai to harness lightning as a weapon, he had acted without hesitation.

He had known when he had made the choice that the experience would be unpleasant. A hundred million volts of electricity channeled through youkai vines--but also channeled through his own flesh and bone. Hakkai had thought that he was prepared, braced against the vicious arc of all that contained power. In truth, if he had known how bad it would be ahead of time, he probably would have lost his nerve. He could only imagine how much worse it must have been for Hazel's bodyguard Gato, who had served as the rather unfortunate lightning rod. Gato probably hadn't even known what had hit him. Hakkai had dimly been aware of the big man starting to keel over, even as his own consciousness had wavered and flickered out.

...Which was why Hakkai was a bit surprised, upon returning to his senses, to note the absence of any further pain. That in itself probably should have served as a warning. He'd been well aware that he had taken some heavy damage in the fight. Even so, he was still disoriented and somewhat shaken by the lightning, and it wasn't until he sat back on his heels and took stock of his surroundings that the full impact of his situation sank in.

_Oh_, he thought inanely, lifting faintly translucent youkai-taloned hands. He could stare right through them at his own green and tan-clothed body that was still lying facedown on the pavement. _Not again._

It must be some sort of cosmic irony--that getting his soul forcibly removed from his body was becoming something of a regular occurrence. That encounter with the youkai child Kinkaku hadn't even been that long ago. Goku still joked a bit nervously from time to time about the black-spandex-wearing goons that had attacked them inside the world of Kinkaku's soul-stealing gourd. Well enough to joke, at least they both had made it out of there all right.

There was no child with a magic gourd in the area this time, however. Hakkai could only surmise that the strike from that bolt of lightning must have stopped his heart.

Around him he could see the remains of the buildings along the street where he and _Seiten Taisei_ had fought. Everything looked odd, and it took a moment before he realized that his perception of the living world had changed. His surroundings came to him as though through mist, everything appearing slightly out of focus, as if gauze had been drawn over his eyes. Inanimate objects blended so well as to be nearly invisible against the pale, washed-out background. By contrast, he noted the comparatively sharp outline of his soul. He could see it far better at the moment than the features of the material world.

"You're spirit-walking," rumbled a low voice from behind him.

Hakkai turned his head. Hazel's bodyguard, Gato, had come up and was looming over the spot where Hakkai knelt. Or rather, the hazy outline of Gato's soul was looming--Hakkai could see the big man's body lying on the cobblestones just a few short paces away.

It wasn't really surprising to see him in this place of limbo between the living and the dead. The lightning bolt must have had the same effect on Gato as it had on Hakkai himself. What did come as a surprise, when Hakkai thought about it, was that Gato's soul looked like Gato at all--considering that it had been a youkai soul that had brought the big man back to life. Gato hadn't even had this particular soul for very long. He'd been killed by _Seiten Taisei_ not just once, but three times, and been revived each time by Hazel before Hakkai had even really stepped into the fight. But maybe that was part of Hazel Grosse's power, a side effect of forcing a soul that had once been youkai to reanimate someone, and a human being at that.

"Are you spirit-walking also, Gato-san?" Hakkai asked cautiously. If he was, there was something wrong. The glowing outline of Gato's soul was misty and insubstantial and far, far fainter than Hakkai's own. It was flickering and dimming even as he watched.

"No," Gato answered without expression. "This soul has served its purpose. It's not meant to last past its second death."

_So it simply fades away?_ Hakkai felt a vague sort of disquiet at the notion. His Christian upbringing may have had something to do with that sense of unease. Although the fate of a youkai soul in Christian theology was a murky point at best, it seemed a loss that this soul would never get to its intended destination. The sense of loss was even greater when viewed through the lens of the Buddhist faith. As a soul faded from existence, it would be forever denied the chance of enlightenment in the cycle of birth and rebirth. Moreover, generations of souls that this on might have touched on its journeys would be deprived by the lost opportunity as well.

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said, and he meant it.

Gato gave him a sidelong look. Even in this form, his round pupil eyes were yellow. "If you're spirit-walking, there's a reason. A lesson to be learned, if you can." He looked back towards his own body. "My time here is done."

Hakkai blinked, and realized that the misty, real-world figure of Hazel was now standing over Gato's body. He caught sight of a bright flare, brighter than it would have been to normal vision, as Hazel drew a comet-shaped youkai soul from his amulet. He directed it downward, and it settled obediently into his servant's empty shell. When Hakkai looked back again, the faded image of Gato's soul that he had previously been talking to was gone.

There were footsteps then. Hazel was moving now, closing the short distance between them. The blond man was absently fingering his star-inscribed-in-a-circle medallion as he walked closer to Hakkai. Even though he currently lacked a solid form, Hakkai felt his metaphysical hackles rise. He had absolutely no desire to have Hazel Grosse anywhere near his clinically dead youkai body at the moment--and even less desire to have him anywhere near his rather precariously free-floating youkai soul.

Therefore it came as a relief, when a somewhat blurred real-world Gojyo rudely shouldered Hazel aside. The half-youkai skidded to his knees, and without hesitation began chest compressions on Hakkai's unresponsive physical form. There was really nothing that soul-Hakkai could do to help. So he merely settled on the cobblestones to watch. It was surreal, to look down at his own still features and to think that this was probably the end.

Gojyo certainly didn't seem to share that assessment of the situation. The red-haired man was alternately pleading and swearing, throwing his whole weight into his frenzied attempt to perform CPR. Sweat had soaked through his headband and was running down into his eyes. His face was growing flushed, his expression wild. If he wasn't careful, he might have a heart attack himself and wind up lying on the pavement next to Hakkai.

_Is it really worth that kind of effort?_ Hakkai thought as he watched in detachment, feeling bemused. Then again, Gojyo had never been a quitter when it came to things like this. It matched his personality, to pour everything he had into something that was doubtless a lost cause.

Incongruously, it made the memory of a conversation of just a few hours ago suddenly flash through Hakkai's mind.

_...If it were you, what would you do...about that stuff with returning the dead to life._

_If it were the passing of someone important to me, and it was immediately after...without a doubt, I would wish to resurrect them, wouldn't I? _

Hakkai found that he didn't really have time to dwell on the parallels between that situation and this one. He felt a sharp pulling sensation then, as if there were filaments thin as spider silk winding themselves tightly around all of his limbs. Those threads, sensed rather than seen, trailed off of his soul and anchored themselves in his body. He felt another sharp tug, almost painful as it vibrated down the invisible strands, and it occurred to him suddenly that Gojyo's efforts might not be in vain, after all.

The street around him was getting brighter, the outlines of objects and people becoming more indistinct. The growing whiteness was accompanied by noise, a rushing sound in his ears that was building in volume, drowning out everything else. He had time to wonder, briefly, if he would remember anything of this experience when he woke up.

Then he had no thoughts at all, as everything faded out completely in a wash of brilliant light.

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When Hakkai came awake again later that evening, it was to the feeling of a cool, damp cloth being brushed carefully against his face. He flinched away from it reflexively, blinking several times to get the room to focus as Gojyo sat back on the edge of the bed to give him space. The odd, blurred edge was gone from his vision. So was the keenness he associated with being youkai. He was back then...and in human form, with the clips of his limiters safely in place.

He heard Gojyo sigh. "Well, that figures." He dropped the cloth, stained dark already with the residue of dried blood into a basin of water sitting on the floor. "You should have stayed passed out. I was gonna bind up your ribs next, and I bet that's really gonna hurt."

Hakkai blinked again, staring at the ceiling. He was very careful not to move at the moment. As long as he stayed still, he was in relatively little pain. "Where are we?"

"Ch. Way the hell out in the middle of nowhere. That seemed the safest thing, considering how many people were around at the start of that little brawl."

That was true enough. Hakkai moved his head slightly to survey the cluttered and run-down looking room. It was a tiny space, and he was currently occupying the only bed. "Where's Goku?"

Gojyo gave him a funny look. "In the cabin right next to this one. You told me to go take care of him first, right after we arrived."

"Oh." That sounded like something he'd say. He remembered now, Gojyo telling him that Goku was back to normal. So everything had worked out after all.

Gojyo propped his elbows on his knees and looked off into the distance, his expression sober. "That sure was one hell of a fight."

It had been. Hakkai wished never to repeat the experience ever again. ...And yet, even as he thought that, he knew if the same situation arose in the future--with _Seiten Taisei_ let loose in the middle of a town where hundreds of innocent people might be killed, he would unhesitatingly do it all over again. He sincerely hoped it would never come down to that.

Still, he was alive, which was a better outcome than he had expected when he had first pulled off his demon power limiters. Even after the lightning, he was alive. He had been one of those lucky seven out of ten after all.

"Gojyo," Hakkai began casually, "In that conversation…you never mentioned your views."

Gojyo shot him a blank look. "What the hell are you talking about now?"

Hakkai carefully avoided his eyes. "You know. On the subject of bringing someone back to life. You asked me what I thought. But you never gave your own opinion on the matter." He gave a smile with no humor as he added, "I guess you're okay with it, too."

Gojyo looked at him for a long minute without moving an inch. "You weren't dead," he said stubbornly at last.

"Yes, yes, of course," Hakkai lightly brushed the comment aside. Neither of them spoke for a bit. In silence, Hakkai reflected on his words with Gato during his near-death experience. It seemed he remembered it after all. If the lesson that Gato had mentioned to him was an awareness of his own mortality--of how close the four of them always walked to the edge, Hakkai had learned it. "It really could happen, you know."

Crimson eyes narrowed. "You've got to be kidding me. When did you start worrying about that sort of thing? Everybody dies, sometime. It's just a fact of life."

Hakkai managed a soft chuckle. "Well, yes. I guess you're right about that."

When Hakkai didn't say anything further, Gojyo raked a hand through his long hair in irritation, and restlessly pushed himself to his feet. "Shit. I can't talk about all this damn depressing stuff. I need to go get a cigarette. Plus, most of the medical supplies are still sitting outside in the Jeep. Wait here and don't move. We'll bind up those ribs when I get back."

As he opened the door of the cabin to walk out, Hakkai said, "You know, if it comes down to it, I think I'd rather not be forced to return."

Gojyo stopped still in the doorway. "What?"

Hakkai looked at him. "…If I died. I'd rather not be revived--at least, not using Hazel-san's technique." He supposed it would be trite, to make a joke about already having yellow _itan_ eyes. He also knew that it was rather hypocritical, to be perfectly willing to resurrect someone else but not want it done to himself. ...But he'd always been selfish that way.

"Yeah," Gojyo said uncomfortably after a moment, leaning on the doorframe. Then he added, "I kinda know what you mean."

"Not that I'm ungrateful," Hakkai said quickly, in case Gojyo might misunderstand him. "I appreciated your efforts today."

Gojyo waved him off. "Don't mention it. You would have done the same thing."

It was true. Any of the four of them would have, even if not all of them would have admitted it aloud. No matter how close to the edge they all traveled on this journey, they looked out for one another, even to the end. Hakkai felt the corners of his mouth curve up in an entirely involuntary smile. "Ah," he said apologetically, "I'm holding you up. You'd better go get the supplies."

Gojyo didn't question the abrupt change of subject. Still, crimson eyes met green in unspoken understanding. They wouldn't have this conversation again. "I'll be back in a minute," Gojyo said.

"Right," Hakkai replied, feeling oddly content. "I'll be here." He was still smiling faintly as the door to the cabin swung closed.

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End file.
